her.

Weakness. It’s a pretty strong word. It’s a hard word. It’s an honest word. It is a raw word.

My weakness has 110% been shoved in my face this year (it’s about time though, ladies – I really needed this). I’m currently going through this pre-marital counseling thing (what did I get myself into, whew) and have learned a humbling amount about my weaknesses.

I have come to find that I am terrified of her… she absolutely terrifies me. She’s pretty strong, she is so observant, she’s always thinking three steps ahead, she is always right, she will always win, she doesn’t really need anyone. At least… that’s who she likes to think she is.

Hello! Hi! Yes, that’s me – the girl who can be completely convinced that she runs the world like none other (I bet in some ways – that’s a little bit of you too… just going out on a limb here though).

I didn’t really grow up with a strong mother figure and it’s something I’ve always just kind of envied in a lot of my friends’ lives. Wedding planning actually revealed a lot of that bitterness, anger, disappointment and even some pretty strong feelings of loneliness. While I have an army of beautiful people there to support me, my heart kind of just aches for her, or at least the place she is supposed to fill. It’s like a little void, a really ouchy and prickly void. The little void that keeps you up at night… the same dreams and thoughts on a constant replay in your head.

I was probably ten when I had this idea that I could put up a front, that I could keep the peace, be strong, and hold the crumbling walls of my home and family up. I had this idea that as long as I stayed steady and did the right things, she would stay with me. At the time, I probably figured this will be for this season and this season only. It became a pattern of life though.

A, “No. I got this. I can handle this. I will make it better,” kind of pattern.

I feel like I always have to be accomplishing something, I always have to be busy, I always have to be put-together, I always need to be smiling, laughing, or acting like I am untouched by anything. Girl, I bet that you have those feelings too (we all do!) – maybe for different reasons, but still… the same strong and raw feelings of weakness disguised as strength.

Our front. Our façade. Our “I’ve-got-this-all-together” face… Wow. I feel a little tired too.

As I grew, feelings of rejections started feeling like death to my confidence haha.. The feelings of “why doesn’t she seem to want me?” seeped into my friendships, relationship with Carter, and familial relationships. My heart hated rejection and I wanted nothing to do with it at all. Not being welcomed, not being invited, not being a part of the group – it all felt a little too familiar… it made me feel week. It reminded me that I was.

His power is made perfect in my weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

As I am approaching the wedding, Carter and I have spent so much time dwelling on the image of the Church being Christ’s bride. The reckless, chaotic, sacrificial and redeeming unity of God and his people. Do you ever feel like you want someone to fight for you, but if they did, you wouldn’t let them? Like no one could fight it better than you ahaha? Yeah – me too. I have had this feeling all throughout college and within this past year I have started setting down my little shields, my wooden swords and flimsy spears. I have sat down. I have wept in the arms of my Heavenly Father and I have just let Him take this and love me tenderly. But it hurts and its disruptive and it’s painful… but sister, it is so good, it is so kind, and it is so redeeming.

Walking into marriage, (or any kind of friendship really!) you want to trust that person with your prickly and ouchy voids, you want to feel an umbrella of safety and tenderness.

But we made no room that, remember!?... “We’ve got this!! We can handle it!”

Well, I can’t, and you can’t either. My future husband can’t carry it all either, but the Lord can. And He can soften our hearts to let people love us tenderly and care for those ouchy parts and learn how to kindly love other people’s ouchy parts. He can handle our pride, our egos, our anger and He can make these things beautiful. The most caring and thoughtful of artists. The artist who has painted this intricate and careful collage of beautiful people to support us in our prickly voids.

We can trust them. We can have mascara and tear-stained faces, late assignment brains, no-work days, “sweats and waffles for me” days… and still feel safe and put together. We don’t need to have our hair done every day, we don’t need to be the best at work every day, we don’t need to be climbing new mountains every day. We need to live! And smile out of pure joy! And soak up the sunshine! And love those around us fearlessly!

So – here is what I’m learning:

First, no one can carry it like God. I cannot carry it better. My family cannot carry it better. My future husband can’t carry it better. And my friends cannot carry it better. Our expectations and eyes need to look to someone SO MUCH higher. Because there is life and the beginning of healing there. Why would we not go to the maker of our hearts to find healing for our hearts? The maker knows it best. The maker loves it best. The maker works on it best.

Second, God has given us allies to stand with. Allies to love and to be loved by. We need to give them room to do that. If you don’t know where your allies are at, my best advice is to find someone you look up to and just ask for support. I finally approached an older woman this year and asked for godly direction, someone to talk to, learn from, cry with, and laugh with. Be proactive and find a friend. Even Jesus had dear friends:

Matthew 12:48-49 “He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”

Don’t be scared of her. She’s not all that bad. As intimidating as she is, she’s really just a beautiful mess half the time - clay being shaped by the artist on the daily. Tough girls, we don’t have to be all that tough, we aren’t really all that tough in the first place anyways – we have a good God who is for us. He will use your warrior spirit – He wastes nothing... nothing.

Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Be kind... to her.

In my honest words,

Samara-Faith